Sandstorm

Let's all admit it: Time does make one feel better.

Well, ok, it doesn't heal that's for sure, but if time equates to distance, and distance means less contact, then it should then mean that it is possible to feel better, happier, more nonchalant.
Because what you don't see, you can't know.

It's funny how life wraps all of us up in this big scheme, make us happy one moment and then utterly miserable the next. Sometimes life puts us in the same team, and the next on opposing ones so that we may have the chance to rip each other's throats out. For everything that has gone wrong these few recent months, after thinking about it I suddenly realize that there is no one to be blamed. Self-blame would be most convenient, followed by blaming it on the ones nearest to you. Blame yourself and voila you've got yourself a reason to cry over. Blame someone else and you have yourself the entire world to hate. There can never be a right answer.

There is no one to be blamed. I blame it on fate. It is intangible, immaterial and ridiculous to say that fate is the one that had caused all of my problems. But yet, as intangible as it is, it screws us all up. What sparked this? I read this off yoojin's blog. And it made perfect sense, like all Murakami's quotes do.



“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.


 So, if fate was a sandstorm, I think it makes imagining our lives a lot easier. Time passes by without you even knowing it. A day, a week and soon you'll wake up and realize how much you've not accomplished within that period, and yet you know you'll never be able to sit down and finish anything with your mind half distracted.  


And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.
And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”


Never the same person again. How apt because there's no way you could return to base zero. How people assume that "we can all go back to normal" is the right thing to do, that it is even remotely possible baffles me. How is pretending nothing happened the "right thing" to do? It's called pretense for a reason, you're pretending, and so am I. And pretense only give rise to lies, and more empty promises, and mindless facades.

One problem is that we are told to give in to fate. So, metaphorically, let's use back the sandstorm. So if we are stuck in the sandstorm and we step right into it (technically there is no way you can avoid a sandstorm, and needless to say fate), do we just walk through it mindlessly, heedlessly, all the while just trying to withstand whatever is torturing/hurting us? Or do we walk through it knowing that we must protect ourselves by sometimes shifting your direction, holding up your hands to shield yourself, thinking of ways to avoid the most direct hit? 

It's the same isn't it? Much like with fate, whatever crap situation it throws us into, are we all just supposed to stand there believing that "it's just like that"? Or should we at least make an effort in trying to turn things to our favor? Fate is uncontrollable, yes, but are we just supposed to let it by simply because we know it to be out of our reach?

Even I don't have the answer right now. I'm stuck in a really bad sandstorm and no one's around that I can count on, no one I can trust anymore. At some point, I finally realized how people can change in an instant, only focused on their selfish desires even if their lips say otherwise. What am I saying? Everyone is selfish. Why am I blaming them?

I guess I can't help it but to feel indignant about some people, some issues. 

I feel like I've been trying to be nice for too long when it isn't even in my basic nature to be nice. What is right and what is wrong? I could care less now. All I know is that people can't just waltz in and out of anyone's life as easily as this. Closure, people, closure. That's all we need, that's what girls need. 

Fate is cruel, and time is supposed to be medicine for it. I just wish there was something I could do to control, plan my route even. Well for now, just fuck them all.


Goodnight.



xxx,
Mrs Micky