I guess just saying I'm going to stop doesn't mean things actually stop. I say I want to let myself be dependent on others for a change yet I still constantly tread back to my usual path. It's not that I'm giving up, it's that I'm telling myself things has yet to be changed, and it must be changed.
Perhaps it's my upbringing that I'm such a spoilt brat, yet it must be my childhood that made me fight so hard to be an independent person. Not going into details, but that's what I think. Perhaps that's what made me feel so tired for so long. Perhaps that was my biggest burden, right in front of my eyes and I couldn't see it. Even now that I've caught a glimpse of how I can help myself, it's still...not enough.
I think about the times when I'm amazed at how people can just rely on others without needing to feel apologetic or grateful, and I'm still amazed. It's something new to me whenever people tell me one of their friends told them to help, and it's just an acquaintance. Maybe that's what shocking. That some people will be willing to help no matter who the other party is, without taking into consideration the theory of equivalent exchange. And maybe that's where I've always done wrong. That it's perfectly alright to help, without getting anything in return after all.
All my life, even if it doesn't seem like it, I've always been expecting something in return for the favors I do for others. Although I cannot say such expectations were always intentional- because they were very much subconsciously thought of until I figured them out, they were always there, those thoughts. Not in monetary sense, most of the expectations were some sort of emotional or trust related. When I help someone out, I figure our relationship would have reached a certain level where in the circumstance where I needed emotional reliance I would be able to find it in them. Or when things happen, that I know I can trust them, and vice versa to make things right. That was the ideal relationship I have always imagined I suppose. And many of these were also my downfall, the catalyst of all my sorrow. I've only myself to blame for noticing it too late, yet even though I know that the way out is to embrace such traits of the world and its inhabitants, many unanswered questions still linger. Why, why and why?
Everything that burdens me, ultimately gets answered in the end. By me, sadly to speak of. Why do I feel this way, why did things happen this way, why did this, why did that...? I almost feel like a philosopher trying to answer my own questions sometimes.
I would very much like to sheathe my sword and abandon my amour, throw everything to fate and just let things run its natural course. Of course, as everyone says, honesty is the best policy, and sometimes, just sometimes I think I shouldn't wear my mask for too long. I want to be vulnerable, open, true. Even though as a Scorpio, such traits are highly impossible to achieve. Yet I want to be free. There's so much more that I will be able to feel. Because what I have now are not things that are keeping me in, they are things that are keeping people out. And I fear that if I don't do something, then nothing will happen at all. And nothing, is a terrible thing to happen.
Being dependent on others, it means taking a big step outside of what I usually do. My whole routinity will be lost. It means taking a big risk in hurting other people's feelings, and not knowing it. It may mean losing more people around me. Yet without risks, there can be no returns.
If there is no hope, there is no future.
xxx,
Mrs Micky
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