Pretty much at the age of 21, I thought I'd already be settled down with my dreams, have a clear direction in life and all raring to enter the workforce. Additionally I also presumed I'd have a boyfriend all ready for marriage and kids. Or at least that's what I thought....when I was still in secondary school.
So it's kinda a bummer to realize that I'm only a semester away from graduation and it's not like how I expected it to be. I mean dreams, yes I have them but they're unfortunately on the riskier side, not at all like how I imagined. Of course I love my dreams, I love the idea of what I want to do in the future but I also hate the uncertainty of it, and I hate the lack of support I get from both my parents and friends. I console myself sometimes with the idea that at least I have myself and some friends who believe in my dreams.
As I age up, I find out so many different stuff about myself and I can't say I'm happy to be aware of it. Adults are so conflicted, and now I'm one of them. Despite being good at a lot of stuff, I'm not good enough for any. I think as compared to those who are really good at one thing, people like me tends to find life harder to live. If someone is really good at one thing, just one, they can pursue it and make it a career because they have the talents to make it big. Yet for someone who can do many stuff but lacks the aptitude to break through the next level, they are always at a crossroads on where to go, what to do, and how to do things. Needless to say, I'm at a crossroads, duh. Have been at a crossroads for years.
Point made.
I badly want to know if there's something that I'm good at and can actually bring it to the next level. It could be that I'm lazy, or I'm complacent...or simply just that I don't have enough aptitude for it..which I firmly believe it so. However, that's just the problem. I end up always searching and searching, but the world is vast, the knowledge within it is endless; I end up in a seemingly infinite search.
Which is why I'm really desperate to leave the crossroads and actually GET somewhere. You know, I don't really care which direction I can go towards, as long as I like it.
Even for relationships, I'm totally lost. It doesn't help that I have friends who have been single all the time, and then it also doesn't help that I have friends who have boyfriends. Yes it is ironic, and I'm not making sense because then where's the middle? Perhaps its one of those many many things that one encounters and overcomes in life; you know, like all the 'when life throw you lemons, make lemonade' shit sayings, yeah those kind. But then what comes after that lemonade is made? What happens after you squeeze the lemon dry and throw it away? Do you drink it? Do you sell it? Or do you pour it away because it doesn't suit your taste? And what if you regret making that decision to make lemonade and throwing the lemons away?
I know I'm not even making sense.
Xiaxue's latest blog entry has made me both a little confident and more lost at the same time. Indeed, there are the few of us who are constantly 'friend-zoned'; us whom guys use to get closer to our friends, us whose friends are always more attractive than us (although we cannot figure out why). And the words that tell us to have faith that there will be someone out there who can break through our walls and like us for who we are exists. I don't doubt that...at least for some of us. Although I'm pretty sure not everyone ends up with someone. If so, then why do there exist old maids? No, I do have faith. I do. I always constantly make myself believe that someday someone will come along and sweep me off my feet. It's delusional because no one 'sweeps people off their feet' anymore as some people will comment, but I firmly believe that if you really like/love someone, whatever they do or say will genuinely be one of a 'princely' act. There's no prince charming, but there sure is one in the eye of the beholder.
Back to the point, yes, so the few of us (or many actually) who are asked to wait patiently for the 'right' one, how long more do we have to wait?
Sometimes when we realize that we are not the ideal type of women guys go for, we tend to want to conform... just so that life becomes easier. If we are vulgar and independent, we try to soften down and be a little more vulnerable. The acts only go so far since most of us would abandon it halfway. We're just not the dainty kind of ladies. Then after awhile of 'female empowerment', we'd go back to plan A and resume the whole vicious cycle again. Sometimes, it's not enough to just wait around. I personally am sick of waiting. I want to be able to do SOMETHING, anything. Yet I won't change myself.
So, now at 21, I feel like my outlook on life has changed so drastically. Like I told enkee, there's so much more things that I see, and so much psychological changes made to me that I am amazed so much could happen in the short span of 3 months. Although I said I won't want kids because I'm scared of the changes that could happen to me, nowadays I've come to realize that kids probably aren't the ones causing the changes. It's all part and parcel of our life-cycle. Which makes it worse I guess, since we won't be able to change it.
I'm sick and tired of constantly asking for help, for guidance, and I chide myself everytime the moment that sentence pops into my head. Hence I'm trying to change that. Although it'd really be a lot easier if we all could have clearer directions in life. Not spoon-feeding, just subtle gentle pushes.
You know, I'm pretty much content with life as it is now. As of now where I still have a few months to go towards graduation, I feel relaxed that I don't need to deal with what's going to come and what all of it might signify. Although if I let myself think about how I should be dealing with my future now, I get into a mental wreck, I'm trying my best to just live the most out of I can right now. After all, if 2012 happens, my future is wrecked anyway.
So, carpe diem.
Carpe Diem.
xxx,
MrsMicky
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