Fate

 I never thought a simple novel would break my heart like this. Yes, at many times I've went on and on about how animes and certain movies have changed my life. And it's true, they did. They've pointed out a lot of things we often don't remember in our daily lives, things that we simply swiped off as "redundant' and moved on. It's not that we don't know many of these facts that we have to be shown by another - stranger as you can put it, but simply that some people in this world are more observant, more sensitive and more "thinkers" than most out there. And those are the people who write such brilliant plots, screenplays and novels.

Perhaps it's that morbid side in me that jumps and bask in the tragedic element in many favorite storylines of mine. It's those kind of twisted endings much unlike those happy predictable korean dramas that seems most real to me. Not that I feel the world is dark and evil, but the truth is, such twists are only reflections of reality. That's what makes the process of reading it so real. You hate the fact that some endings are so depressing yet you cannot deny that they are only a representation of how things really are. War animes are depressing, but they are depictions of war afterall. Since when were wars  happy events, and since when did they ever had happy endings. Hakuouki blew my mind away and made me wrecked up inside because of the depressive ending but once I sat down and thought about it, I couldn't help but realise that fact. (Although i feel that they could have portrayed it a little clearer though).

This time round, Fate/zero really nearly brought me to tears. To be honest, I think this was the only novel that could make my heart ache so badly inside. I never expected it. I really didn't. When I first watched the beginning of the anime, I only kept on watching because I was so captivated by the stunning visuals of the characters and their battles, and the mystery behind the main plot. Then I finished Fate/Stay night in 2 days because I hoped to catch a glimpse of how the next generation would be like. But the novel, is nothing like both the anime and fate/stay night. You could even say it blew me away.

Maybe it's the medium. Reading a novel, using your imagination to see the world presented to you through words on a few pieces of paper (1400pages to be exact), perhaps it made everything more vivid, more real, more emotional. Animes spoon-feed us, they give us images of characters and how each scene looks like but they have their constrictions. Even if a character cries miserably, how much of that emotion can be placed and drawn out on screen? Even so, an anime character is still an anime character. He/she are 2D characters. We can't feel the extent of the supposed emotion entirely. Yet when one imagines it in their mind, there is no limit to how far or how deep the emotions can go. When Saber cried, and when I had to imagine her crying, I cried with her, I cried for her. For that twisted fate and the fact that where was no other way to run. It sounds crazy, but I almost felt her. Maybe that's what books and novels...and words on a page can do to people. It serves up my imagination to me, on a silver platter. Like a one way road on which I can only run ahead and never stop until someone stops me.

Which was what happened. I was just immersed in the novel for god knows how many hours and I couldn't stop. I was crying inside and feeling my heart all twisted up and yet I couldn't stop. I had to get to the ending.

"The end came like an avalanche, raiding us one wave after another."
Nothing could describe it better. I read the commentary, and felt astonishment at how he could manage to put into words everything I felt at that moment.

"...though your heart struggled helplessly under a heavy weight, your hand couldn’t help but keep turning pages to read more of the hellish cycle within. And yet where did this relief and satisfaction come from? Though sorrow lingered within our hearts, not a hint of regret is produced."

None. I almost felt relieved when it ended. Like as if a huge stone in my heart has been removed and I could finally breathe. I felt 'relieved' and I felt 'satisfied' and yes, there was indeed no regret at all, despite the unpredictable ending.

Though to be honest, I still question myself. Was it really that unpredictable? Have I really not seen or imagined the ending to be as such? I think I did pictured it as a possibility, but perhaps somehow I also wished for a different ending. Unpredictable? Perhaps.

When I compare it to Fate/stay night after reading the end of Fate/zero, all I can think of was how much was carried over to fate/stay night and yet the styles are so remotely different, and how much more childish and shoujo fate/stay night was. Yet, despite that, fate/stay night was the closure to the events I think. It was the happy ending that should have been for the characters in fate/zero; the ending that didn't exactly happen.


"Even if he himself did not succeed in the end, the heir to his aspiration will one day appear –"


Honestly, sometimes I don't know why I put myself through all this. And I don't understand why do I get wrapped up in a world that exists only on pages, why I get so affected by the events that aren't even real.

Yet these stories always tell me things that real world doesn't. It gives me motivation, and strength so that I can move on despite being struck down in my world. It makes me realise things that I never knew, things that were hidden in my subconscious, things that I should have already known by now at the age of 21. It lets me learn a new thing everyday.

It makes me remember that life is still an adventure, waiting to be explored.


And I want to still be chasing after that dream of an adventurer, to learn new things everyday.

Still, sighs, how will I ever leave Fate/zero. I need at least a month to recuperate.
Novels, how they bring the readers into another world is indeed fascinating.


xxx,
Kbeth

 
Edit: There's so much that I want to say about this, but as usual my thoughts > my vocabulary. :( Bummer.