Fortress in your heart

"You can’t turn love on and off like a light switch, no matter how hard you try. All you can do is wall it off, one brick at a time, until you’ve created an impenetrable fortress around your emotions. And once that fortress is built, you camouflage it so well that even you can’t see it anymore."

- Katherine Allred, The Sweet Gum Tree

I thought I'd be fine, so I didn't want to blog about it, because I didn't want to seem stupid and I didn't want to talk about it. Because once I talk about it, everything that was previously intangible now becomes material. I contemplated a lot before wanting to write it down here as well but somehow my will is susceptible to my feelings and right now my emotions are gushing out like a rapid river and I can't stop it. It's almost like if I resist it again my heart would explode, my mind would lose a nerve. But still, I don't want to talk about it although I want to talk about how I feel. I don't want it to be real. If it's real it means that I'm going to get my heart broken again. *cues evanescence song* I keep telling myself things are not what it seems, I mentally slap myself before my imagination goes haywire but still, it's been months ohgosh and it seems like everything has just been culminating up till now waiting to go boom on me. Then I began to sit down (not literally) and think about everything; why does it make me so sad, why does it make me so confused, why and who am i feeling sad for. Point is, I feel like I'm sad because I'm not the person I want myself to be. Despite so much struggle and decisions on how I want to change the way I live, I procrastinate. Somehow along those lines I screwed up. I let myself be carried up and thrown down again, just like in the past but this time I was the one who tied myself to the bungee string and cut it loose, headdown. I guess it's hard to understand because I still don't fully understand myself right now. But all I know is that I find myself being upset because I'm not 'enough'; not pretty enough, not interesting enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, kind of just not enough for everything. I....wish things were different, wish things had happened differently. But I know and everyone knows that things will never be different, because what I am, cannot change simply because I will it to. Because no matter what circumstances, it's ridiculous for me to pretend to be someone else either. I need to learn how to let go, to forget and to just observe from the sidelines. I need to be, in other words, a wallflower. I still don't really know how I feel right now. I do know however, how I should feel, but that's a totally different story. I need to make up my mind. Fast.




xxx,
Mrs Micky