Had a super chillax time with weiliat at Pigeonhole Cafe in the afternoon. Sat down with a meatpiepot (YUMZ) and a cuppucino and practically just lamed the whole afternoon away. Was a really good catch-up and had many good laughs. Made my sleepy day a lot better :)
A lot of things came up in our conversation. The issue of parenting (the 4 different kinds), the issue of commitment issues, who's pretty and who's not, and practically just everything that popped into our minds. Kind of realized how low of a pedestal I place myself upon after today though. And made me realize how subconcsciously affected I am about a lot of things although I pretend I don't give a fuck.
And I realized that despite everything that has been given to me I still don't feel satisfied yet. Even though there has been improvements and merits and good days, still, I wish all of it could have been better. Fuck, I wish I can be better.
That's not saying that I'm depressed or completely insecure. I just want to be better, I want to be the best, I want to stand on top of all those who believed I couldn't do it and step all over them. I know it sounds extreme but usually such thoughts only exist in my head. I don't do stuff like that.
Just rewatched all of Evanescence's videos and listened to their songs on loop. It brought me back to when I was still in my goth wear and heavy eyeliner and listening to metal/punk music all day long. That was the period when my relatives were so worried for me I remember. There were disapproving looks but they never despised that part of me, and for that I love them so much. And that period brought so much nostalgia back for me. It's hard for some to understand why would that phase be so important to me, but the truth is that that point in time was perhaps the most real part of me in my entire life up till now. I might be a dancer or a weird girl dressed in funky bright clothes now that has really weird tastes and behave erratically (such is the Krispy Syndrome), but no matter how I may look like now, still I am that same old girl draped in black with heavy eyelined eyes listening to noisy songs inside. Still, I am that same girl that's in love with sorrow. Songs don't lie, and memories don't lie too.
Lithium, I love that song. I love the meaning behind it. I love how she sings it. I love how it hurts when I hear it. Because it's a happy kind of pain.
I sound so crazy right now, but I really miss that old part of me. And I can't go back because what's past should remain in the past and I'd be REALLY crazy if I go back again. Happiness is something that I shouldn't push away and something I shouldn't fear. I should embrace that opportunity.
Honestly this post sounds a little scary even as I write it. I think this should be enough or my thoughts will scare everyone away. NOOO KRISPY IS NOT SCARY.
Urban fantasy assignment up soon and I have no fucking idea what to do about it! Omg this is frustrating.
Project meeting tomorrow too, let's hope for the best. Go Krispy!
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