A million things to hate

I don't feel like saying anything, or explaining it to anyone, whoever it may be. I find it hard to even tell it to someone who's the closest to me, simply because everything's that's happening is just ridiculous, and embarrassing.

My inner alter-ego is slowly invading my real world. I find myself having to tell 'it' to shut up at least 2 or 3 times a day just to keep myself sane. No I don't understand why all of these sounds so ridiculous as well, but it's true. 'It' tells me the weirdest things and ask me the weirdest questions, all of which aren't even supposed to be things I should be concerned about.

I've been trying to blur our my peripheral vision, blotching it out in darkness so that I don't see more than what I need to see. Not knowing is better than knowing everything. That's what I've decided upon.

Sometimes even I don't get myself. What I want in life, how I am as a real person, what is most important to me. None of it makes sense because my mind goes all directions whenever I try to think about it.

I hate the fact that when some people talk to me, they put up a barrier between us which is not as invisible to me as they think it is. And I hate the fact that some people likes to conjure up this expectation of how I'm supposed to be like before even speaking a single word to me; and expecting me to be the person they thought me to be. I hate seeing their expressions falling when they realize I'm not that girl they though I was. I hate so many so many things. That the hate rebounds back and I end up starting to hate myself.

And I want to scream so loud "I BLOODY TOLD YOU SO" to some people because right from the start I tried and tried to go towards the direction but I didn't want to be imposing and I let it go and somehow fucking life has to show me that I'm wrong. That I should have insisted on my way so that none of this would have happened. That I'm always doing the wrong things from what I should be doing. That I'm just not fortunate enough.

I don't know how to answer people when they start asking me if I'm ok or what's going on in my life.
The thing is everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong, and I'm just completely clueless as to how to go about solving it. That sometimes all I want to do is just scream and spew vulgarities all night just to relieve that stress...and I can't do that because I'm alone, at home, with my sleeping mother.

I.........am tired.
So so tired.


Someone? Please?